Extending grace – almost always a GOOD idea.
Last night I learned of a possible reason for an acquaintance’s behavior and was glad I hadn’t jumped to a conclusion (though my jumping shoes were on).
She didn’t respond to an email and I didn’t know why.
Well over a year ago. I needed her expert opinion and sent off my question, but heard nothing in return, not even an “I don’t know.”
I checked and rechecked the message to make sure I’d addressed it correctly and that my words were okay. Yes. Yes. Why had she not answered? Was I wrong to have asked? Was I out-of-line to have asked? What was it? (yes, yes, she could have overlooked it in her inbox or accidentally deleted it – I have done the same)
I saw her twice after that, once from a distance at the grocery store and another time in my rear view mirror when she was walking. Each sighting triggered my thoughts and left me feeling foolish for having written to her, and thinking “She can’t be bothered with me.”
* * *
Years ago a new VBS director – a 30-ish woman – was upset because a long-time teacher had opted not to participate, giving no reason.
“I know it’s because she doesn’t like me,” she told me. “She’s been filling this slot for 18 years and suddenly I’m directing and she says no, and she was quite abrupt with me. What other explanation can there be?”
“Hold on,” I said. “People have all sorts of things going on that we don’t know about; it’s good to extend a little grace. Don’t wait to find out the explanation, but give her a pass. And since she’s come on your radar screen, pray for her. See where it goes.”
(I was smarter then.)
Two weeks later the teacher called the director back and gave a fuller explanation. She was addressing some health issues and had a lengthy recuperation period approaching that would overlap with the timing of VBS.
For some reason, she wasn’t ready to give the whole story to the young director during the earlier conversation. Perhaps exact dates hadn’t been set yet and things were only at the ‘maybe’ stage. Perhaps she hadn’t processed the information enough herself to talk about it. Perhaps she didn’t care to have her medical stuff out there in the public eye yet.
Remembering this, I heeded my own advice.
Last night I learned that the person who didn’t answer my email has just come through her own whirlwind of diagnosis and treatment. At about the time of my question, she was likely facing a LOT of symptoms and question marks.
When grace is extended it is not just in one direction. Extending grace to her was also extending it to myself, not to be shackled by unproductive thought patterns.
EXTENDING GRACE. It’s good not to fall out of practice.
Amen!
Great post!
I so relate! We are such self referential creatures and our first instinct is to attribute anything that could be interpreted as a slight, to being the result of that person’s view of us.
As a painfully shy child, I grew out of it partly due to this sentence: “You will worry less about what people think about you, when you realize how little they do.”
We have an inbuilt need to interpret the behaviour of others, I think, and that, paired with our own insecurities, can take us to all sorts of odd places!
Thank you, Fern, April and Belinda!
Also, that’s a good quote. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on what makes us do this, too. It IS sort of knee-jerk reaction that we need to intentionally turn from, I think.