I Lied

I hope this will not damage your opinion of me.

* * *

The cashier at the grocery store now thinks I’m a personal shopper for senior citizens.

After passing through her checkout line with my 3rd order in less than 2 hours, I felt an explanation was called for.

“I shop for people,” I blurted out.
People. Plural.
Truth is: I shop for ONE other person (besides my own household).

This all happened quite innocently enough (the protestation of all liars), but what made me say it that way?

• Did I not want her to know I return to the store a 2nd time when someone doesn’t get the list right first time around?
• Did I not want to admit to myself that I was making a second run for the same person?
• Am I not accepting that I probably can no longer rely on the given list and need to visit, inventory supplies myself, shop, then return?
• Do I just like to keep the details of my life and commitments vague for others as a power move? (Okay, this is a given.)

Anyway, the words just came out of me like that – I don’t know why – and it didn’t really hit me until I was loading the groceries into the car.

Wally suggested that next time I go in, she’ll have a list of potential clients for me, people who have difficulty, people whom she’s told about me, people who are interested (what with winter coming on and all), people to whom she’s said, “I’ll see if I can get her number for you.” It’s not that farfetched.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave…

- Another Role Model, Gone

Another role model, gone. Trudy’s mother. She lived a long, full life and I don’t begrudge her going. But I always hate to lose a good role model, they are in such short supply to begin with.

The last time I talked with her – earlier this year – she had been out carpet shopping and was torn between getting the carpet color she liked best and a more sensible color choice.

Neck-deep into the “life is short, enjoy it” mindset, I said, “Go for the one you love!”

But practicality and consideration were reigning in her world. ”It’s going to outlast me and someone else will end up having to live with it. Maybe I should go with the sensible one.”

For the rest of my life, I will never lack for something to ponder, wondering which way she finally went on that and the greater philosophical implications. (None of this has anything to do with why I considered her a good role model.)

I once started a file to collect the stories of my various role models. I didn’t want them forgotten. I need to get that out and add one more.

- Time to Stop Being Mad

I'm riding all the way to the end.

Maybe it’s time
for me to stop being mad
Not that I AM
Far be it from me.

But
after writing about peacemakers
I got to thinking about the situation
That still, every time I think of it,
pokes and ouches,
and I know
I need to find a way not to be anymore
Mad, that is,
which I am not.

Still
Something needs to happen
with that poke feeling.

Maybe mad
isn’t the reason
the situation was brought to my attention.
Maybe something else is.
I don’t think info comes my way
for the purpose of getting me mad
unless it’s the kind of mad
that’s a holy fire
lit to accomplish some divine purpose.

STEWING is surely
not the divine purpose
not the intended destination
And not a coping technique
about which to be proud:
“Yes, yes, it was very upsetting,
but see how I’m big enough to keep it to myself
and just have a good stew every so often?”
The “Aren’t I mature to have gunnysacked so well?” position.

No no no no.
Having had my ticket punched
Destination: WHOLENESS -
and IT all paid for -
I have no intention of disembarking at an earlier station.

Time to stop being mad
IF I am
and start being whatever the other thing is.